Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Next Stop...Traffic School

Remember when in Sex and the City Carrie regails us with the odd things that guy pulls out of his briefcase while sitting in court? (A pineapple? Really?) Well, folks, she was right. You can do some MAD people watchin' at the Chesterfield County courthouse.

First of all, to go through the metal detector took awhile. They could not figure out what something was in the diaper bag. Realizing that my diaper bag is the backpack I carried in college and probably hasn't been cleaned out since the late nineties, I was a bit worried. The culprits? 2 matchbox cars. Aaaahhhh....

Then it was off to court where we had a very serious baliff. Very serious. To the point of hilarity. He looked a bit like Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men (if he gained about 30 lbs), so it wasn't all bad...  He let me sit in the back row because I had my double stroller parked in the one spot for a wheel chair.  (And yes, I would've moved had someone needed the spot.  Geesh!  Get off my back already...)  But to other people, he loudly proclaimed, "First four rows people!  Sit closer to each other!  You all live in the same county.  Get to know your neighbors."  And if someone dared to sit in the 5th row (and then the 6th and then the 7th--there were a lot of people)--"What?  You don't like people?  Gotta learn to like people.  Sit up front!!"  And to the guy who waltzed in wearing a wife beater--"You can't come in here wearing that.  You gotta stand outside until your name is called.  Shoot, wearing a tank top to court.  Not in my courtroom.  Hey lady, you there in the fifth row, move up to the fourth row and spit out your gum.  No gum in the courtroom, people!"

Henry behaved wonderfully.  He looked at his Puzzle Bug magazines all morning long.  (If you don't know what Puzzle Bug magazine is--imagine combining Highlights with puzzles and stickers.  It pretty much is Henry crack.)  And as soon as Gracie started blowing bubbles, we got kicked out of Super Baliff's courtroom.  We got sent to a conference room outside the courtroom and the Baliff came and got us when it was our turn. 

After the Judge and court reporters oohed and aahed over my beautiful children, I got to raise my right hand and swear to tell the truth.  Then I asked since the cop told me there was no specific time in which I had to stop and admitted that I had paused at the Stop sign, I would like to know what the difference between a pause and a stop is as my only frame of reference is a DVD player.  The Judge demonstrated for me on his rolly chair.  Awesome.  Apparently I performed what he and his teenage son call a "Hollywood Stop".  And then he told me I could go to traffic school and have it dismissed.  So... I am now enrolled in TicketSchool.com for their online traffic school.  And yes, it is as riveting as it sounds.  Apparently, the way we drive is often controlled by our personality.  And there are three different attitudes we all have--the Parent, the child, and the adult attitude.  Guess which one is preferable? 

And as to the potty training.  Yesterday Henry peed on the family room floor, the couch, and pretty much everywhere but the potty.  Or at least the one time he made it to the potty he forgot to pull down his underwear.  Awesome.  But today we had no accidents.  Of course, he spent most of the morning in a diaper at the courthouse and pooped during his naptime (also in a diaper).

I do think he has an issue with semantics. Should you ask him if he needs to go pee-pee on the potty, he will shout at you, "No! I no need to sit on potty!!!" But if you ask him to "Potty train" he will go sit on the pot. I guess as a male he wants to be active about it. As if it is a sport or something.   He'll grab his crotch, run to the potty, and yell, "Henry potty training!  I potty training!!  Gotta potty train!"  The only time things got messy was when he wanted to empty the potty himself. Guess what was all over the floor. Pee-pee? And once again, splashing around in it in his crocs. Awesome. So we had to discuss that only Mommy and Daddy can empty the potty and if he tries it again he'll lose the potty treat.

He did wear underwear  all afternoon and evening and made it to the potty three times.  And sometimes he went sans clothing and that seemed to work.  He started to pee in the sunroom while coloring and he stopped and yelled "Potty training.  I need to potty train!" and then ran to the potty.  So tomorrow we will be naked potty trainers.  And by we, I simply mean Henry.  I plan on wearing clothes.  Because I'm already on the potty train (that's also why I get to eat M&M's anytime I want).   So if you plan on visiting tomorrow, you may want to call first...


Traffic School Online said...

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Jennifer said...

Where can I get Lucy some crack, I mean...a Puzzle Bug magazine?